Watching myself do it in a mirror helped, oddly

Started 2 June 2024 · 22 replies · 269 hearts · read 5.7k times

DelythBala, UK · 2 June 2024

2.1 years ago

Watching myself do it in a mirror helped, oddly — putting it in its own thread so it does not get lost in the check-in.

Something is going on with my body and I would like to know whether it is ordinary.

This started at the same time as two other things, which is why I cannot attribute it to anything with any confidence.

I have had a fortnight of this and then three good days and then another fortnight, and the pattern is the bit I would most like to understand.

I have avoided asking about this for six weeks out of pure embarrassment, which is ridiculous given that this circle exists precisely for it.

Not after remedies particularly. Mostly I want to know whether this is ordinary and how long it went on for.

BrodyDunfermline, UK

Somebody here suggested breathing out during rather than holding my breath, and it changed the physical experience noticeably. Very small thing.

EsiFacilitatorToronto, Canada

A standing thank-you to anybody who returns to a thread with the outcome. Threads that simply stop are the ones that leave the next person stranded, and one sentence months later prevents it.

TabbyMargate, UK

Brody, thank you for that. It gives me somewhere to start from.

What worked was doing it at the same moment every week rather than at a convenient moment. Deciding when was where the dread lived.

10me too 8

OmarAmman, JO

The bathroom floor is a legitimate venue and I would like that on the record for anybody who thinks they are the only one.

IslaOban, UK

Tabby, thank you for that. It gives me somewhere to start from.

What I got wrong was doing it last thing at night when I was tired and low. Moving it to a Saturday morning changed it completely.

GwynforLlanidloes, UK

The first month I had a friend on the phone every time. By month three I did not need to, and she still asks about it.

13me too 3

TedIpswich, UK

I found having everything laid out in advance helped enormously. Rummaging for things while working myself up was where it always went badly.

SaraOslo, NO

My anxiety was mostly about doing it wrong. Once my nurse watched me do one and said it was fine, most of it evaporated.

OttaviaBologna, IT

Reading Gwynfor, I recognised more of that than I expected to.

My partner did the first several. That is a completely legitimate arrangement and it is not a permanent one unless you want it to be.

ZoëHackney, UK

#10

Bookmarking this. Thank you.

NylaNairobi, KE

#11

Mine is now genuinely uneventful and I remember very clearly that it was not, and I would not want anybody to think it was uneventful from the start.

BrackAlnwick, UK

#12

Please do not white-knuckle this for months in silence. There are practical things people can help with and none of them require you to be brave.

NadirCasablanca, MA

#13

Coming back to say that the dread went. Not immediately, not tidily, but it went, and I have not thought about it in over a year.

13me too 5

SableCape Town, ZA

#14

Building on what Brack wrote rather than answering the original question.

The two hours before were always worse than the thing itself, every single time, for about four months. Naming that pattern was the beginning of it getting better.

IvesPenzance, UK

#15

Picking up Brack’s point rather than starting a new one.

Have you got anyone who can be in the room? It made an enormous difference to me and I felt ridiculous asking, and I would ask sooner if I could do it again.

OrlaithDonegal, IE

#16

Mine was never about pain. It was about doing something deliberate to myself, and once I understood that, all the advice about pain was beside the point.

GaelanInverurie, UK

#17

What worked for me was a ritual. Same place, same order, same music, and about six weeks of that turned it from an event into a routine.

Ozzy GWalsall, UK

#18

Same here, and I am glad you said it first.

7me too 8

CatoAntwerp, BE

#19

I did the first four in the bathroom sitting on the floor. There is no correct place and nobody is watching.

PerrineStrasbourg, FR

#20

Ozzy G has already said most of this and I want to add the one part that was different for me.

The dread built through the day and peaked about an hour before, so I moved mine to first thing in the morning and cut the anticipation to ten minutes.

EsiFacilitatorToronto, Canada

#21

Noting for anybody reading later: where the person who asked has come back with what happened, that post is usually worth more than everything offered before it, and it is never the one at the top.

BrodyDunfermline, UK

#22

Cato — yes, and the bit that took me longest to accept was the next part.

Counting down out loud sounds silly and was the only thing that stopped me hovering. Three, two, one, done, and the hovering was where all the fear lived.