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Sex and intimacy through a big change, honestly

Started 15 September 2024 · 24 replies · 286 hearts · read 2.1k times

RuaridhFort William, UK · 15 September 2024
1.8 years ago

A question rather than an update: Sex and intimacy through a big change, honestly

Anyone else navigating this? I feel as though every piece of advice I read was written for someone with a completely different week.

I have a specific situation coming up and I would like to plan for it properly rather than improvising on the day, which is what I did last time.

The arrangements are the hard bit for me. Nothing medical has been difficult; the organising has been relentless.

Sorry for the length. The logistics take longer to describe than they do to do.

95

OmarAmman, JO
#1

My experience is that families adjust more slowly than individuals and that the adjustment does eventually happen.

12

TeganNewport, UK
#2

Somebody here said that you do not owe anybody an explanation, including people who love you, and I have leaned on that repeatedly.

7

RufusGuildford, UK
#3

The hardest conversation was about money, because this costs and we share a budget and I had been quietly not mentioning it.

14

WrenFacilitatorLeeds, UK
#4

Speaking as a facilitator: nobody owes anybody at their own table an explanation, and this circle will keep saying so as often as it needs to.

17

MapleToronto, CA
#5

Read, understood, and glad you are here.

11

NikitaYerevan, AM
#6

What Wren described happened to me too, in a slightly different order.

What helped was giving my partner something to read, so that the explaining was not all coming from me at eleven at night.

14me too 5

BessLouth, UK
#7

Gently disagreeing with Maple, or rather adding the other half of it.

We renegotiated who cooks and it has been better for both of us, entirely separately from any of this.

13

OssieWolverhampton, UK
#8

Something I got wrong was expecting my household to adjust without being told what to adjust to.

15

NolwennRennes, FR
#9

We used to eat together in a particular way and that changed, and neither of us said anything about it for months.

7

OzrenZagreb, HR
#10

Ossie has already said most of this and I want to add the one part that was different for me.

What helped was one honest conversation where I said what I actually needed rather than expecting him to notice.

13

CormacWaterford, IE
#11

I found that other people's questions got much easier once I had one short prepared answer that I used every time.

13me too 7

RuaridhFort William, UK
#12

Gently disagreeing with Nolwenn, or rather adding the other half of it.

My children noticed before my partner did, which says something I am still thinking about.

5

OmarAmman, JO
#13

What I did not anticipate was how much better things got once I stopped managing everybody's feelings about it as well as my own.

9

TeganNewport, UK
#14

My partner came to a family event with a prepared subject change and deployed it three times, and it was the kindest thing.

15

RufusGuildford, UK
#15

Nothing to add except that I am glad this thread exists.

11

ObiLagos, NG
#16

The thing that changed our house was me being honest about the tiredness rather than pretending I was fine and then being short-tempered.

11me too 3

MapleToronto, CA
#17

My mother cooks as an act of love and my appetite changing felt to her like a rejection, and naming that out loud helped both of us.

10

NikitaYerevan, AM
#18

Obi — yes, and the bit that took me longest to accept was the next part.

What surprised me was that the person I expected to be difficult was supportive and the person I expected to be supportive was not.

15

BessLouth, UK
#19

Building on what Obi wrote rather than answering the original question.

I would say pick one person to be honest with completely. Mine was my brother and having one person who knows everything has been enough.

12

OssieWolverhampton, UK
#20

The friction in our house was almost entirely about the changed evening routine rather than about anything medical.

10

NolwennRennes, FR
#21

Coming back to say we are fine, that it took about eighteen months, and that the conversation I dreaded most was the one that fixed it.

9me too 3

OzrenZagreb, HR
#22

My body changed how it works and the household did not get a memo. Working that out took about a year of small friction.

11

WrenFacilitatorLeeds, UK
#23

Noticing the drift towards what other people ought to be doing. We can describe our own arrangements and that is the whole of our authority.

20

RuaridhFort William, UK
#24

Reading this properly rather than skimming, which is all I have to offer today.

12